From the Inside (Fri 9th July 04)
name this story looking from the inside because today was the first time that
I felt like I was part of the crowd and I was actually participating in what was
happening from the inside of the crowd instead of watching the crowd from the
I went to a FM 104 event today, garage days they
call it, it is a free promotional concert the radio puts on once a week to promote
a band or album and it is percussion only. There were two bands today, Thirsty
Merc and another one I can't remember the name of.
I or a group of my friends go to a concert or an event we are usually only going
there to watch what is going on from the very outside or periphery of the crowd,
not to join into the crowd and participate in the fun.
I am not to sure of the technical name for this I will just label it as part of
the overall anti-social ness that is usually a big part of every streetie that
I know.., we like to hang out and do all the normal things that normal people
do we just want to do it without contact with anyone that we don't consider part
of whatever 'crew' we are part of at that time.
a lot of people that I know only go to a lot of events like concerts and gigs,
tours, exhibitions and or anything that is organized for them to go to so they
can sit on the outside and watch the other people have fun.
know that a great majority of the things that I have gone to either with friends
or by myself I have gone to knowing before I even arrive that I will look for
a place that I can sit or stand that is away from the centre of the action and
away from the main body of people that are there with me then watch what is going
on from that position for the entire time that I am there.
have very rarely joined the crowd and it is even rarer if I actually participate
in the activities that are on offer. Today was very different for me, I found
myself looking forward to taking part in the fun and being in the crowd, I found
myself looking at my friends and wondering why they weren't enjoying themselves
as much as I was and realizing that I was truly different to them and that a large
part of this was due to me not thinking in the same way as they did anymore.
have made some very positive steps on my
journey and looking at the time frame
made the major changes to my life in I have
to say that I have
really surprised myself.
I'm not talking about the way
I have changed the way I have been living but about the way I think and feel about
the way I live that is were I am amazed at the differences within myself.
brother told me once that people don't look at me and automatically know that
I'm a streetie, that it is just me thinking this and that it is not what is really
going on in there heads. I mention this because my own experiences have taught
me that whenever I look at a 'normal' person I think they know that I am streetie
and that they think I am basically the worst thing they can think of.
I know that this is not true and probably always have but have never had the emotional
strength to explore the possibility that they don't think like this and never
have, it has always been me projecting my own personal doubts and shortcomings
into them so that I could feel comfortable not having to deal with them on a personal
level, I could just stay the way I was and never have to deal with the fact that
they probably didn't care about me one way or the other.
feel that I have been doing this because I am a pretty insecure person and it
is easier to assume that people don't like me and never will then it is to try
and get them to like me.
I cant explain to you the joy
I felt today standing there in the middle of the crowd in the middle of the city,
tapping my foot and nodding my head to the beat of the music and not caring what
other people thought of me and that they didn't even care that I was there, I
was just like them, there to enjoy the music and the atmosphere just like they